Mansplaining an IVF Journey
SCIENCE BITCH!
If you're reading this, it surely means my wife got pregnant.
I couldn't post it otherwise, it would've been too depressing.
For 3 years, my wife and I tried for a kid.
Every period that came was a slap in the face. My wife took it especially hard, not quite used to failing.
Being kanjiong spiders, we sought help fairly quickly, after just 6 months of trying.
Spent thousands (literal) only to be told it was unexplained, which was less than helpful.
People seem to think that if it is unexplained it means there is no problem, but what it really means is that there is nothing more we can do about it.
We were told that we could just keep trying maybe something will turn up soon.
That stress is unbelievable. After a 30 hour surgical call/ shift, you're knackered and just want to sleep post call, but your wife's ovulating. It's now or we lose the egg. You muster all you've got and soldier on, son.
'Cause the wife don't give a shit how your call went.
You wanted a wife who wanted sex all the time? Here you go.
After another thousand (figurative) tries, we finally tried assisted reproduction.
Had one cycle of IUI, failed obviously.
Had one fresh IVF cycle, half failed, got some good blastocysts, but failed to implant. Well, it's not much but it's something.
Had a frozen cycle, and now we're expecting twins, because SCIENCE!
Here's what to expect if you are the husband.
Chance of pregnancy from sex with the stars aligned and the angels singing, is at about 10-15%.
IUI is about 15%, IVF depending on age, early 30s, late 20s, about 30%, and about 70% after 3 cycles. Do note this is just pregnancy, not delivery of baby.
This constant failure to conceive and picking yourself up to try again is gonna hit your wife harder than it will hit you. She's gonna be staring at the countdown timer that is her biological clock, and every period is one more egg wasted until you guys run out. Expect many random tearing up especially during her menses. She may keep apologizing and blame herself.
I didn't feel it as much as I thought we were still pretty young and runway was still pretty long, but when I found out the fresh IVF cycle failed, I was devastated. Being young I expected it to work, why couldn't we be that 30%
As the husband, you're just playing support in this.
Assure her you don't blame her, assuming your end is good. Give her no reason to doubt that. Constant reminders of love are warranted. If everything doesn't work out, I would be happy spending the rest of my life with my wife, I wasn't going anywhere. You wouldn't want a child with anyone else, so you guys are stuck with each other anyway.
The toll assisted reproduction take is asymmetrical.
The wife has to count her cycle, estimate roughly when she would need to see the doctor and get her scans, re-arrange her entire schedule for that month of IVF/ IUI, in my wife's case projecting leave 2-3 months in advance, rearranging call and clinic schedules (as in the clinics she run)
Then we finally get to the actual IUI/ IVF.
Involves waking up early for daily injections, going for the appointments and scans.
The husband has to jerk off into a small cup.
So I feel it is imperative the husband suffers together. I got up early with her to administer the injections. The nurses will teach you how, so the husbands better learn. You're a dick if you make her do it herself.
If you wife wants warm water in the middle of the night, you go get it.
She forgets to turn of the toilet light, you crawl out of your comfy bed and turn it off for her.
She leaves the dishes after the meals, so you clear it.
You might as well get used to it now, when she gets pregnant, what the pregnant wife wants, the pregnant wife gets.
It is also important you don't go through this alone. It is important for you to find support. Your wife can try the forums on singaporemotherhood.com.
Support is not just for the wife, the husband should be able to find someone else to talk to besides the wife about the infertility issue. I was lucky I had a colleague at my old workplace who was also experiencing similar troubles, though it was just a short 20 min conversation, it did wonders, and gave me kind of a reset. Feels better knowing others are going through it too.
Money wise, an IUI cycle cost about 3k, IVF fresh cycles about 3k out of pocket. Had an aborted cycle which cost 600 for the scans. Frozen cycle was 1.5k out of pocket.
This is for a subsidised citizen seeking treatment in a Singapore restructured hospital.
You could use medisave but as I said we're luckier than most so we opted to pay cash and keep the medisave for when we're elderly.
A timeline
Dec 2015 - Got married. Blissfully unaware.
Oct 2016 - Started trying. Nearly popped the champagne but false alarm. Period came late while we were overseas. Still very confident, even bought baby clothes on our trip
Apr 2017 - Less confident. Did preliminary US and semen analysis, no significant abnormalities found.
Aug 2017 - Went to polyclinic to get referral to government hospital
Sep/Oct 2017 - Workup for infertility - blood tests, hyfosy scan (scan to check uterus / condition of fallopian tubes) Noted a small polyp in the uterus, probably nothing but advised to take it out anyway.
Dec 2017 - Laprascopic surgery to remove polyp and check tubes. General surgery laughs at O/G all the time, but god damn, that scar was invisible.
March 2018 - SO-IUI
Aug 2018 - IVF fresh cycle
Sep 2018 - Failed IVF fresh cycle. Embarked on frozen embryo transfer natural cycle which got cancelled.
March 2019 - Started frozen embryo transfer artificial cycle
April 2019 - Finally saw the coveted double lines on the pregnancy test
May 2019 - First scan - two sacs and heart beats!
From another i.e. wife's point of view
If you're reading this, it surely means my wife got pregnant.
I couldn't post it otherwise, it would've been too depressing.
For 3 years, my wife and I tried for a kid.
Every period that came was a slap in the face. My wife took it especially hard, not quite used to failing.
Being kanjiong spiders, we sought help fairly quickly, after just 6 months of trying.
Spent thousands (literal) only to be told it was unexplained, which was less than helpful.
People seem to think that if it is unexplained it means there is no problem, but what it really means is that there is nothing more we can do about it.
We were told that we could just keep trying maybe something will turn up soon.
That stress is unbelievable. After a 30 hour surgical call/ shift, you're knackered and just want to sleep post call, but your wife's ovulating. It's now or we lose the egg. You muster all you've got and soldier on, son.
'Cause the wife don't give a shit how your call went.
You wanted a wife who wanted sex all the time? Here you go.
After another thousand (figurative) tries, we finally tried assisted reproduction.
Had one cycle of IUI, failed obviously.
Had one fresh IVF cycle, half failed, got some good blastocysts, but failed to implant. Well, it's not much but it's something.
Had a frozen cycle, and now we're expecting twins, because SCIENCE!
Here's what to expect if you are the husband.
Chance of pregnancy from sex with the stars aligned and the angels singing, is at about 10-15%.
IUI is about 15%, IVF depending on age, early 30s, late 20s, about 30%, and about 70% after 3 cycles. Do note this is just pregnancy, not delivery of baby.
This constant failure to conceive and picking yourself up to try again is gonna hit your wife harder than it will hit you. She's gonna be staring at the countdown timer that is her biological clock, and every period is one more egg wasted until you guys run out. Expect many random tearing up especially during her menses. She may keep apologizing and blame herself.
I didn't feel it as much as I thought we were still pretty young and runway was still pretty long, but when I found out the fresh IVF cycle failed, I was devastated. Being young I expected it to work, why couldn't we be that 30%
As the husband, you're just playing support in this.
Assure her you don't blame her, assuming your end is good. Give her no reason to doubt that. Constant reminders of love are warranted. If everything doesn't work out, I would be happy spending the rest of my life with my wife, I wasn't going anywhere. You wouldn't want a child with anyone else, so you guys are stuck with each other anyway.
The toll assisted reproduction take is asymmetrical.
The wife has to count her cycle, estimate roughly when she would need to see the doctor and get her scans, re-arrange her entire schedule for that month of IVF/ IUI, in my wife's case projecting leave 2-3 months in advance, rearranging call and clinic schedules (as in the clinics she run)
Then we finally get to the actual IUI/ IVF.
Involves waking up early for daily injections, going for the appointments and scans.
The husband has to jerk off into a small cup.
So I feel it is imperative the husband suffers together. I got up early with her to administer the injections. The nurses will teach you how, so the husbands better learn. You're a dick if you make her do it herself.
If you wife wants warm water in the middle of the night, you go get it.
She forgets to turn of the toilet light, you crawl out of your comfy bed and turn it off for her.
She leaves the dishes after the meals, so you clear it.
You might as well get used to it now, when she gets pregnant, what the pregnant wife wants, the pregnant wife gets.
It is also important you don't go through this alone. It is important for you to find support. Your wife can try the forums on singaporemotherhood.com.
Support is not just for the wife, the husband should be able to find someone else to talk to besides the wife about the infertility issue. I was lucky I had a colleague at my old workplace who was also experiencing similar troubles, though it was just a short 20 min conversation, it did wonders, and gave me kind of a reset. Feels better knowing others are going through it too.
Money wise, an IUI cycle cost about 3k, IVF fresh cycles about 3k out of pocket. Had an aborted cycle which cost 600 for the scans. Frozen cycle was 1.5k out of pocket.
This is for a subsidised citizen seeking treatment in a Singapore restructured hospital.
You could use medisave but as I said we're luckier than most so we opted to pay cash and keep the medisave for when we're elderly.
A timeline
Dec 2015 - Got married. Blissfully unaware.
Oct 2016 - Started trying. Nearly popped the champagne but false alarm. Period came late while we were overseas. Still very confident, even bought baby clothes on our trip
Apr 2017 - Less confident. Did preliminary US and semen analysis, no significant abnormalities found.
Aug 2017 - Went to polyclinic to get referral to government hospital
Sep/Oct 2017 - Workup for infertility - blood tests, hyfosy scan (scan to check uterus / condition of fallopian tubes) Noted a small polyp in the uterus, probably nothing but advised to take it out anyway.
Dec 2017 - Laprascopic surgery to remove polyp and check tubes. General surgery laughs at O/G all the time, but god damn, that scar was invisible.
March 2018 - SO-IUI
Aug 2018 - IVF fresh cycle
Sep 2018 - Failed IVF fresh cycle. Embarked on frozen embryo transfer natural cycle which got cancelled.
March 2019 - Started frozen embryo transfer artificial cycle
April 2019 - Finally saw the coveted double lines on the pregnancy test
May 2019 - First scan - two sacs and heart beats!
From another i.e. wife's point of view
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